Thursday, June 26, 2008

Bathing Suit Blues

I can't tell you how often I have struggled with stress or health issues and felt as if I was trapped in a dark pit with no way out of it. More times then not something happens, is said or I read something that brings a smile to my face. From that point on, the course of the entire day can change. I received the following story in an e-mail yesterday. With so many people planning their vacations, I thought it is a good time to post it to my blog. I have no idea who wrote it, but I can tell you it didn't just bring a smile to my face, it brightened the rest of my day. I hope it will do the same for you.

Beach Vacation by Lowell Herrero
Beach Vacation

When I was a teen in the 1960s the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice...... she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped
in horror.... my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took awhile to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit alright, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an over sized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse type top.

It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read .... 'Material might become transparent in water.'

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a shirt!

'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.'

Connie at 'Over Good Ground' has requested prayers for her friend Karen who is having some health issues and is worried about the results.

Jeff at 'A Word In Edgewise' asked that we send up prayers for his Mother-in-law Maria, who was to go through surgery for the second time for breast cancer. This after the Doctors thinking they had gotten it all the first time. Please remember Jeff's wife Lisa as well. I know all too well that the loved ones of the cancer patients goes through their own private little hell.

Linds at 'Rocking Chair Reflections' has been ordered off of her feet for a while due to an injury to her knee. She has been bonding with her couch during this time.

Stacy at 'Living My Days In Hope' has been having some serious issues with her son. Please remember her family as they struggle with trying to find him the help that he needs.

Reva at 'Gifting Each Day' will be going to Denver for a medical procedure next week.

If I have forgotten anyone please know that it wasn't intentional. Hopefully you will stop by these blogs and offer some support and a few words of encouragement, as well as remember these special people in your prayers.

Yesterday morning we headed down the back side of the mountain as we had a few errands to run. When we finished about 4 PM we made a big circle and was met with this when we reached the bottom of the front side of the mountain. We were told that about 9 AM the loaded log truck in the picture either lost control of his truck or his brakes failed and it demolished the barn in the following picture. The driver was taken to the hospital. We haven't heard anything on his condition.

This barn usually houses a horse, but it had been turned out to pasture before the crash. There were two cows in the barn when the truck ran into it. They found one of the cows dead under the fallen barn. This is the second incident within a month due to the none stop logging that they are doing here on the mountain. The last one they felled a tree on the power lines causing a transformer to blow. We were out of electricity for around 12 hours. I think someone is trying to tell them something. What do you think?

Hope your day is exceptional!!!


farmlady said...

Dear Jo,
My dad died one year ago today. Feeling a little blue. The smoke from all the fires has been choking Northern California for days now and going outside is hazardous to our health. It has been a hot,smokey and down in the dumps week here and then I read your blog....

The bathing suit stories made me laugh so hard that I produced enough endorphens to get me through the rest of the week.
Your request for prayers for my friend Karen was overwhelming. Thank you very, very much.You, truly, made my day.
Love, Connie

Linds said...

Firstly, thank you so much for your prayers, Jo. I feel very blessed. And of course I will pray for all the great people you have mentioned.

And I howled with laughter re the bathing suit issue. I have just been looking at options on line too. I think I need a shroud. Or a private bathing hole. Sigh.

How awful that you are having logging troubles. Seeing lorries loaded with logs always makes me very cautious. I once saw an accident where the logs broke free and have never forgotten it.

Look after yourself!

Peggy said...

thanks for the laugh Jo. Been one of those weeks. Please keep me and my family in your prayers. Lots of major issues going on with daughters and their families.

mjgolch said...

Jo,first of all I'm feeling better,secondly I'll keep every body in my prayers.
I hope that had a great day today.
Hugs and God's blessing headed your way.
That's my story and I'm reallry sticking to it.

Elizabeth said...

I LOVED the bathing suit story!!!
I wish we knew who wrote it so we could credit them.
I'm going to send it to all my girlfriends - mostl;y in their 50's!!!
Thank you so much for bringing a tear of laughter to my eye.
Happy weekend - any you're welcome to a nice cup of tea at my house anyday!

Prixie said...

thats a very funny story and the author writes extremely well! All those figures of speech! Brilliant!

BClark said...

Ok, you brightened my day, probably my weekend. I will have these pictures floating through my head, which will bring on the giggles. Yes, they are trying to tell the logging companies something, but will they listen? Money trumps common sense most all the time. Poor cow. Best to you, Barbara

Britt-Arnhild said...

Happy summer.
Happy sunbathing.

Diane of Crafty Passions said...

The bathing suit post cracked me up and made me laugh so hard I read it twice just to enjoy it again.Every word you wrote applies to all of us honey!!!
That was theeeeee funniest post I have read in a long long time and I enjoyed every word, thank you so much for writing it.
Take care,

Tracy said...

Loved the bathing suit post. I needed to be cheered up and you did exactly that!

I will be keeping all in my prayers.

Betty said...

I got a big kick out of the thingie about swim suits. It all seems so true. It was funny.

That was a bad accident. That truck looks as if someone could have gotten killed in it, but I hope not.

Offering up prayer for all who need it.

Jo, when you get time stop by my place and pick up an award I have given you.

Have a good weekend.

Steven and Aisha said...

Hi Jo, the swim suit story is so funny! It made me laugh a lot tonight. I love it. That's a really good one. It's not easy to find stuff that are a bit conservative to wear.

Ohhh..I hope the driver of the truck is okay. It killed the cows, poor cows :(. It didn't cause you guys ant problem now, did it?

Count me in as one of those who will be praying for the people on your list.

violetlady said...

Funny bathing suit story! Thanks for the laugh. I haven't put a bathing suit on for years. In case I do this year, I bought a very concealing cover-up. Serves me right for never exercising.

Artsy Etc. said...

That is a scream! How funny. I so enjoyed the laugh. I love visiting your blog. I always leave feeling so inspired! Hugs!

oldcrow61 said...

That bathing suit story is a riot. Brought me my first laugh of the day. I can relate, lol